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Breakups are an experience which most of us go through at least once in our lifetime, often multiple times. They can be a valuable opportunity to learn more about yourself, set boundaries and change your perspective for future relationships. But often when we go through a breakup we are left with an abundance of questions which are rarely answered because the circumstances of every breakup are different and unique to the individual relationship. It's time that we start answering these post breakup questions so that we can let go of past relationships to make way for new experiences.
How soon is too soon for moving on after a breakup?
The appropriate length of time for moving on after a breakup varies depending on the length of the relationship itself. Short-term relationships often come with less history, memories and deep-rooted attachments, but feelings are feelings none the less. Each relationship is unique and the way in which the breakup occurs can also play a significant role in determining when it is appropriate to get back out into the dating scene. If you did the dumping, it’s likely you’ve moved past the relationship at a speed much faster than your ex, who may have not seen it coming and will need time to heal.
ANSWER:
For relationships less than six months, give it a minimum of three weeks. For relationships less than two years, three months is a respectable amount of time. And for anything beyond that, six months would be an ideal minimum to adapt to this significant change in your life.
The key to moving on is to make sure you’re doing it for you and not to make your ex jealous or distract yourself from loneliness. Taking time to be with yourself can help you to refresh from that relationship so that you can approach the next with a healthy mindset.
Should I stay in contact or cut ties completely?
The answer to this question is subject to a few factors:
Are you both in each other’s social circles? (mutual friends)
Do you live, work or socialise in the same environments?
Do you share any children, pets or financial assets? (house/car)
Would cutting them from your life cause further complications?
Do you financially depend on them or do they owe you money?
ANSWER:
You can maintain contact or a friendly relationship with an ex partner if this can be achieved without causing detriment to your mental health or affecting your personal life. However if there are no reasons such as those listed above for this person to continue being in your life, it is perfectly okay to let them go if it will help you to move on and be happier.
What do I do with their things they left behind?
Most people end up with their ex partners things after a breakup. Depending on the circumstances of how the relationship ended, it may be complicated to determine whether you should give them their things back or not. If you have cut contact this makes returning items harder.
ANSWER:
Ask them to come pick them up if they want what they left at your place or mail them if valuable. Otherwise, get rid of it! Don’t hide them in a box at the back of your wardrobe because the best way to move on is to let go of all the things that remind you of them. If you’re on no-contact, keep them for a month and then get rid of them.
How long should I wait before meeting to talk?
It’s common that after an explosive breakup, ex partners feel the need to meet and talk to finalise thoughts and solidify the decision. This can also be to check in with each other because despite how things may have gone down, caring about another person doesn’t disappear overnight.
ANSWER:
Try to wait a minimum of two weeks before seeing each other again. This is not a long period of time but is enough to help you gain perspective outside of being in that relationship. If you meet to talk too soon there is a likelihood that you will backtrack on your decisions while being deep in the breakup emotions phase. If you can last two weeks alone, you can make it through anything.
Should we get back together?
There are many couples who have broken up and got back together and gone on to live happily ever after; in some cases it’s the right decision. But this is the exception, not the rule. Breakups happen for a reason, and often getting back together prevents the reason from being resolved.
ANSWER:
Time is a great healer. Take this time to stay apart, prioritise yourself and figure out what was not working. If in a few months or even years, the reason why you broke up is no longer relevant and that spark is still there then go for it! But most likely time will help you to move forwards towards better things. Don’t settle just because it’s comfortable.
Do I need closure?
Breakups can be a long time coming or can be unexpected. And society often leads us to believe we need to find closure before our lives can carry on. Gaining closure can be a rewarding and peaceful experience, but getting it can cause more harm in the long run. Relying on closure puts the power in your ex’s hands; not being able to move on until they give you what you want.
ANSWER:
You don’t need closure in order to move on. The idea of closure can be romanticised in our heads as the key to happiness and more often than not, the reality isn’t as justifying as it may have seemed. An apology for behaviours or revealed hidden truths are now meaningless context to a part of your life that is no longer holding you back.
When will things get better?
Breakups are one of the hardest experiences to go through in life. Getting ‘over’ someone doesn’t happen overnight and going through it can feel as though you’ll never feel any better. The thing to remember is that this is temporary and things will get better.
ANSWER:
There is no set amount of time that it takes for a breakup to stop hurting. If it’s your first time, you will learn that as you carry on living your life and looking after your wellbeing, things slowly get better and you begin to heal emotionally. The key to feeling better and getting over someone is to invest the time and love you were giving to that person into yourself instead. You’ll be okay, I promise!
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