Sex and Relationships in the Modern Age

Growing up in Catholic Ireland during the early 2000’s, sex was a topic I rarely heard anything about. The concept of relationships was presented to me in the form of heteronormativity, with marriage being the expected end goal. Only then was it considered appropriate for people to engage in sexual activity, with the main purpose being for childbearing of course. I knew so little about sex and relationships and it is only in very recent years that I have managed to get to grips with everything. Maybe that was the whole point; the less I knew the better, aiming to deter me from engaging in it too early. But here I am, an early twenties bisexual writer who has educated herself on as many aspects of sex and relationships as possible. I find the concepts fascinating and enjoy writing about them, so where did this passion spark from?

Sometimes I think that my curiosity was intrigued by the fact that the whole lifestyle was hidden away from me so purposely by society. Secrets and hush-hush whispers were attractive to my innocent mind. I had always been an avid learner, wanting to know everything about anything. Sex and relationships should obviously be a subject that is not thrown upon us at an age too young to process it, but questions should be encouraged and answered knowledgeably. Society shouldn't have hid aspects of sex and relationships away from me which expanded wider than heterosexuality, but that was the norm in my environment at the time. Unconventional approaches to sex and relationships were portrayed as some shameful act that made us dirty, and this is just not the reality. Sex and relationships are one of the most beautiful aspects that our life has to offer and I am so glad that in this modern age things are changing.

The approaches to sex and relationships have changed in recent years, with the primary aspect being the recognition and appropriate representation of LGBTQ+ sex and relationships. Don’t get me wrong, people have been engaging in all sorts of sex for centuries, but history had got us to a point, heavily influenced by religion, where heterosexuality was considered to be the norm. Thanks to the hard work of activists, protesters, referendums and more, gay marriage is now legal in the UK, Ireland and many other countries around the world. This change in the approach to sex and relationships is something that has been challenging for certain generations to adapt to, however I love that I have been a part of the fight for my kind to be treated equally and to normalise this approach for the generations to come.

Engaging in sex and relationships in the modern age has also been approached differently, with dating apps becoming the most common way for our generation to initiate relationships and sexual encounters. Online dating has become an umbrella term for which a lot of activity goes on below and this is where different apps come into play as they all produce different outcomes. Tinder transformed the dating game a decade ago and is still where young people are gravitating towards, with over 87% of people in their early twenties surveyed choosing to download Tinder as their first dating app. My first relationship came as a result of using Tinder back in 2017 and at the time it seemed to be a place where relationships were conceivable, I was proof. I returned to Tinder in late 2019 and quickly discovered that things had changed. People were swiping more ruthlessly and within about five minutes of messaging back and forth, it was clear that the majority of users were looking for hook-ups and short-term flings. A fellow single friend of mine commented, “If you want a relationship then what are you doing on Tinder? You need to get yourself on Bumble or Hinge!”

I was confused by this statement as it had previously been a successful place to find a relationship for both me and many other couples I had known, so what had changed?

Maybe it was that as more apps were coming onto the scene, people were congregating in different areas for different things. Bumble and Hinge have a very similar structure to Tinder, except that the profiles require a lot more effort to curate. Not many people would go to these great lengths for just a hook-up, which is why I believe users on these apps are committed to looking for something more serious.

I find online dating beneficial because it gives me the opportunity to connect with people I otherwise wouldn’t have crossed paths with. If you are looking to meet someone older or in a different social circle it can be difficult while at university to come across that due to being predominantly surrounded by 18–25-year-old students. If you are looking for a queer relationship, it can be difficult to know a person’s sexual orientation through meeting in person. Dating apps help to lay out a lot of information about a person to know who is right for you and who not to waste your time with.

Without online dating I fear I would have been more likely to stick around with people who weren’t the best match for me purely because there wouldn’t have been many other options available. With over 75% of young people surveyed using online dating when single, it has become a concrete avenue for approaching sex and relationships in current times. While only a third of those surveyed on dating apps are actually looking for a relationship, 38% have been successful in developing a relationship. The numbers are showing promise, hence why 60% believe relationships are still attainable through online dating.

A downside to online dating becoming the norm is that as a society we have detached ourselves from previous approaches that were arguably more fruitful.

Fortuitous encounters are less favourable with a phone full of opportunity in a pocket. I think any person would choose rejection over message than to their face, and with it easier to send a cheesy pick-up line or cringey GIF than it is to offer to buy someone a drink, we can see why these approaches are dying – the risk is not worth the reward.

As great as it is that people have got more options available when it comes to dating in the modern age, there has now been a shift in the effect of dating on a person.

The act itself is rarely even called “dating” anymore. You’re either “in the talking stage”, “seeing someone” or “hooking up” and the next thing you know you’re being ghosted or landing in a relationship.

The development of this “hook-up culture” has transformed dating into feeling more transactional, with less connection and emotion present. Swiping and messaging has become so effortless and meaningless to the point that people no longer feel the need to work for a relationship when they can have sex available at the press of a button. The ability to hook-up via apps such as Tinder is enabling people to have regular sex without the commitments and emotions that come attached.

Hooking up is convenient for lots of people and is an important part of sex and relationships in the modern age, but the question being posed by other generations is “Has hook-up culture killed romance?” Grand gestures and romantic dates seem rare to come across from online dating. they are only heard about from stories and seen in films nowadays. It is expected on average for young people in the UK to have had sex by the second date following connecting through a dating app. Is it possible that having sexual encounters this early on is causing us to detach from the possibility of developing a relationship further with partners?

I took the opportunity to discuss with an acquaintance on their experience with sex and relationships in the late 70's and 80's. They commented that “These unconventional options which young people are exploring and identifying with were not in my head as an option back then. They just didn’t exist in my world.” They discussed how “there were definitely people that existed in society who were gay, but I was only consciously aware of very few, if any. It was a rarity not the norm.” It can be argued that due to this significant shift in what was considered to be normality, it is understandable why a lot of older generations struggle with these new approaches to sex and relationships as their concept of reality has been shattered. There is no excuse for homophobia, we must all respect the choices and actions of others, but this discussion with a person from the older generation helps to see the side from their point of view.

We can see that ultimately there are both pros and cons to the online dating world and the forms of sex and relationships it is providing as a result. People are looking for a wider form of relationships than what were approached in previous decades and more unconventional approaches to sex are being normalised in modern day society. I believe that the approaches which older generations had to sex and relationships such as stricter monogamy, prolonging of sex within relationships and marriage were generally suited to the society at the time, but as generations evolve so does the environment. It is more beneficial for people who are engaging in sex and relationships to be widely educated on the options available to them than to conform to narrowed mindsets we have since outgrown.